The Fanfiction Connoisseur

The Fanfiction Connoissuer is an online review show where I review horrible fanfictions. It doesn't matter how its bad, it just has to be bad.

MY FIRST TEXT REVIEW

HELLO I'M THE FANFICTION CONNOISEUR. AND TODAY I WILL BE REVIEWING She wants the B LAMEST SEX JOKE EVER.

"Barry… are you sure?" Vanessa gasped. She and Barry had been together for a year. She loved him, he loved her. They had everything they ever wanted, and that was each other. But Leah wanted more. What was this more that she could possibly need? Well, this particular thing that she wanted was driving her crazy. She wanted it. No. She NEEDED it.

FIRST WHO IS LEAH. AND THIS WILL GET WEIRD SO IF YOU ACTUALLY READING THIS TURN AWAY NOW.

She needed a good hard fucking. She needed to be fucked so hard that she couldn't walk for days. She needed near pelvis crushing thrusting between her legs. She yearned for something, anything, that would bring her the pleasure she desired.

THEN I WOULD RECOMMEND COMING TO MY PLACE.

Barry observed her troubled expression, knowing exactly what she was thinking. What she wanted of him. "Vanessa… I am very sure. I know you've wanted this for a long time. I don't want to see you suffer like this." Barry pulled on the slick rubber suit Vanessa had made for this special occasion. Once suited up, he dived into the pile of lubricant beside him, making sure to cover his whole body.

SO YOU ARE GOING TO CRAWL IN HER VAJAYJAY? HOW STUPID ARE YOU.

"But Barry, what if you don't make it out alive!" She was having second thoughts. As much as she wanted this, she didn't want to risk losing her bee partner. "Vanessa, I love you. And that is why I am willing to do this" He positioned himself around her crotch, waiting for her thighs to grant him access. Vanessa reluctantly spread her legs wide, leaning back on her arms which supported her weight.

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

Barry was a awe at the sight in front of him. The sight of human female anatomy. He spent a good minute observing the beauty laid before him. Taking in all that he could see of this majestic beast, he believes to be called, the vagina. Vanessa blushed hard "Please stop starring at it. You're making me feel self conscious" just hurry up and fuck me.

"YEAH HURRY UP AND POSSIBLY DIE IN MY SNATCH"

Barry readied himself, before shooting off into the pink monster. He was greeted to a moist cavern. He wriggled around, trying with all his might to bring his lover pleasure. From outside this juicy little fun hole, Vanessa focused her entire being on the sensations inside of her, feeling her body heat up.

DOES SHE NOT FEEL HIS STINGER?

There. Vanessa realised a loud moan. He found it. He found the spot. Even Barry, deep inside her, could hear her. He continued to press against that particular spot that caused her to make those erotic sounds. He liked it. He liked the sounds he brought upon her.

DA FUQ? WHY ARE THE IDIOTS 

Vanessa moaned at every movement now. She was close. She had a problem. She needed it faster, harder. Barry was incapable of doing so.

Unaware of her anguish, Barry continued his steady fidgeting. Feeling quite accomplished in his work, he decided to go for a bolder move. He dug in deeper, moving through her uterus. He turned on his night vision goggles, wanting to see inside the beautiful vagina.

SO HE IS WEARING A RUBBER SUIT, NIGHT VISION GOGGLES, AND SHE IS NOT FEELING PAIN?

It is an understatement to say that he was shocked. A state of sheer horror would be the best way to describe Barry's current self. And what moved him into such a state? It could be the developing human inside his beloved.

HMM...OH SORRY (DUN DUN DUUUN) SO SHE DOES PEOPLE (DUN DUN DUUUN)

Vanessa couldn't feel his movements anymore. She was scared. Scared that her vagina had consumed her beloved. She was unaware of the drama occurring inside her. Unaware she was pregnant.

SHE IS REALLY FORGETFUL ABOUT WHO SHE HAS SEX WITH.

Betrayed. Betrayed by his lover. She was pregnant with a human child. Inside is suit of rubber, the sound of his sobs could not escape.

She cheated on him. She, the one who was supposed to love him until the die he died and beyond.

WHAT DID YOU EXPECT. YOUR A FUCKING BEE.

At that moment, Barry the bee had lost all he lived for. How could he trust her again? He can't just pretend this never happened. That slut! That dirty whore!

Punishment.

NO HE IS NOT GOING TO...

Barry knew what he had to do. He removed the suit, his body becoming covered in his "lover's" fluids. He moved closer to the fetus, glaring. He whipped out his bee-cock and rubbed it against the skin of the developing human. He began grinding against it, speed increasing with every thrust. His bee-cock nagged for release, pushing the bee to his limits.

NO HE ISN'T...

He released against the child of betrayal, pulverizing his bee-cock in the process. He moved over to the heart, pressing his stinger against it, killing both himself and the fetus.

OH MY GOD. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING.

Vanessa couldn't handle it anymore. She reached inside herself, feeling for her lover in the rubber suit. She pulled out an empty suit. Gasping, she returned to feeling around insider herself.

HER WHOLE HAND CAN...NEVER MIND.

It hurt. But she didn't care. All she needed was to retrieve Barry.

She grasped something, ripping it out of her with the force of a thousand nuns. She stared at what she pulled from inside her. She saw Barry.

He was dead.

But that wasn't it. There was a fetus. Barry was attached to the fetus.

Her lover and her unborn child were dead, their bodies in front of her. She picked up the fetus, inserting it back inside of her. "I can at least try and save you… Back in you go, baby" she sobbed.

THIS IS SAD.

She picked up Barry. How could she try and save him?

There was a loud noise from behind her. She hastily turned her body to see a some douche bag in a stupid ass cap. And there was cameras. What the fuck it going on?

WHO COULD IT BE?

"Vanessa, you just got punked!" Ashton said a little too enthusiastically. He then proceeded to tell her about the entire set up. The way Ashton planted the baby inside her as she slept. The way Ashton plotted to make them both believe she was pregnant. The way Ashton stalked them for days beforehand, knowing about their plan for weird ass human on bee sex.

DAMN YOU ASHTON KUTCHERRRRRR!

"You mother fucker!" Vanessa shrieked, climbing to her feet. She swings at the annoying man, landing a hit on his nose, bones crushing under the pressure of the punch. "Barry is dead!" She took him down, overpowering him with ease. She unzipped his pants and positioned herself over Ashton.

IS SHE GONNA..

She raped him.

YES BECAUSE YOU JUST HAD AN UNPLANNED ABORTION SO YOU GET PREGNANT AGAIN.

With all her might, she raped him. Her thrusts conveying her anger at the man. Ashton lay there, unable to move under the power of Vanessa. Tears running down his face he begged her to stop. He could feel is pelvis cracking. But she didn't listen.

Vanessa let out a final moan, screaming "Ahhhh...SHREK IS LOVE. SHREK IS LIFE" as the rode out her orgasm. The camera men fled as she stared them down. From the way the camera men saw it, the escaped with their lives.

I'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND THIS.

Ashton lay there, pathetic and powerless. This only pissing Vanessa off further.

He needed further punishment.

She grabbed the lifeless body of the unborn child, tearing off Ashton's pants completely. And with a dry hand, forced her entire fist inside his ass. Ashton cried out in pain, and tried to escape the woman. His attempts were futile. Vanessa removed her hand, Reaching into herself, fishing out the fetus. "Shhhh, it is okay Molly dear, you'll be safe inside Mr Kutcher" She whispered softly into her baby's ear. She shoved "Molly" into Ashton, a wide grin spread across her face, She grasped his throat in her hands, pressing down, killing him in a matter of minutes.

"No tears now, only dreams" were the last words Ashton would ever hear.

Le fin

THIS FANFICTION IS TERRIBLE AND THE WRITER HAS THE WEIRDEST FETISHES.

MY FINAL RATING IS...THIS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BE CONSIDERED FANON.

I'M THE FANFICTION CONNOISEUR (AND I KNOW I SPELT IT WRONG) CANON OR FANON? YOU DECIDE.

MY ADVENTURE TIME REVIEW

HELLO I'M THE FANFICTION CONNOISEUR. TODAY I WILL REVIEW YOUR FANFIC ABOUT ADVENTURE TIME.

"So, no shit dude," said Jake, excitedly, "There I was playin' Fallout 3 last night on the couch. I was just mindin' my own business when suddenly Lady Rainicorn shows up. I was all 'Hey there baby, what're you doing here?' She said to me 'ching chong nip nong suki yuki desu dess'."

AND THAT MEANS?

"What's that mean?" Finn interrupted. "You know I can't understand Lady Rainicorn"


"I doesn't really translate well." Jake said. "Anyways, she says that, and then she comes over and she totally starts sucking my dick."


"No way!"


"Yes way!"


"Mathematical, bro!" exclaimed Finn, bumping fists with Jake. "Holy cow! I wish I could get so lucky. "

YOU COULD IF YOU FUCKING TRY, YOU LITTLE FAGGOT

"What do you mean, man? You never... made it with a lady?" asked Jake, perplexed.


"Well, no." Finn said, somberly. "I haven't. Princes Bubblegum is a stuck-up hoo-ha. All she ever wants to talk about is MATH and SCIENCE." Finn let out a yell of frustration. "IT ISN'T FAIR. I'M 12 YEARS OLD, I should have gotten laid by now!"

UHHHHH? NO YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

"Huh. You know, bro, I think I can help you. Come on, let's go back to the house."


Jake the Dog and Finn the Human made their way back to their home, which is a tree or something. On the way, they battled a giant monster. But that isn't really important.

I WANNA READ ABOUT THAT

"Alright, dude, I think this'll do the trick." Said Jake. He produced a small vial of yellow liquid from under the sofa cushion. Finn stared in wonderment.


"What is it?"

YELLOW LIQUID UNDER THE SOFA. JAKE I TOLD YOU DO THAT OUTSIDE

"It's a potion I use on Lady Rainicorn whenever she's acting like a bitch. One drop of this and she's raring to go!"


"RHOMBUS!" Finn exclaimed, snatching the bottle from Jake and downing the entire serum.

(SMACK) IDIOT

"No! Finn! Don't!" Jake yelled in surprise, "You were supposed to give it to the Princess or whatever!"


"Jake, buddy... I don't feel so good..." Finn said weakly, massaging his stomach.


"Oh, no."


"Oh, man, Jake, I don't think I was supposed to drink that."


"No, duh, numbskull! I said it was for the girl!" Jake stated in a mix of despair and exasperation.


"I'm feeling kinda... hot..." Finn slurred, his tone changing.

ACCORDING TO ALL THE FANGIRLS YOU ARE THE VIRGINITY STEALER.

"Oh no, Finn, you don't mean sexy hot, right? You mean like Volcano Man hot, right?" Jake said with increasing worry.


"No, Jake... I DO MEAN SEXY HOT!"

REMEMBER JAKE. FINN THOUGHT VOLCANO MAN WAS SEXY HOT.

Finn jumped on to Jake's back and whipped off his own clothes, leaving only his hat on his head. Jake struggled against him, not wanting what was coming. Jake managed to overpower the sex-crazed Finn, and now had him pinned on the ground.

JEE. WHERE WILL THIS LEAD?

"I don't think you understand, Finn. I don't get fucked by the person who drinks the potion. I don't get fucked at all.


I FUCK."


By now, Jake's two-incher had grown to it's full length and was throbbing fit to burst. Jake could not wait any longer, and neither could Finn. Jake penetrated Finn's virgin bootyhole with gusto, and began pumping.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE STRAIGHT?

"Oh my gosh, Jake!" moaned Finn, "That feels so Algebraic!" Jake said nothing, and continued pounding. Being 12 years old, Finn did not have much of a wiener to speak of. Nonetheless, he began massaging the spot where a cock should be, crying out in pain and pure ecstasy while he did so. They went of for about 26 minutes, before Jake suddenly stopped.

FINN DIDN'T HAVE A PENIS?

"What's the matter, buddy?" Finn questioned, "You run out of juice so soon?"


"Naw, man. I just had a great idea! You remember my stretchy powers? The ones that make me grow huge?"


"...Yeah?" Finn answered cautiously.

YOUR NOT GONNA...

Suddenly, Jake's two-inch-long cock expanded in Finn's ass. It grew and it grew and it grew. Finn began screaming, but not because he was in pain, but because his body was now being filled with Jake's beautiful genitalia. Jake continued to grow until his doggy lipstick was 300 feet long and as wide as a city block.

"FINN I'M PRETTY SURE THIS WON'T KILL YOU

"Jake... You really are a true bro." Finn squeaked out, barely able to speak.


"Thanks, dude." Jake said, and smiled. He knew that now, Finn and himself were inseparable friends. Nothing could ever come between them. And with that heartwarming moment, Jake continued. Jake kept pumping and grunting, back and forth, in and out of Finn's backside, his doggy balls slapping on what was left of Finn's body.


"B-Bro. I think I'm about to come!" Exclaimed Finn. "Let's come together, as one! As true BROS!"

"YEAH BECAUSE TRUE BROS DO IT DOGGY STYLE"

And they did. Jake released his load all inside Finn. So forcefully, in fact, that some came spurting out of his mouth. Jake's jizz flew so far, it even reached Lumpy Space, hitting the Lumpy Space Princess in the face.

"OH MY GLOB. THIS FEELS SO GROSS. BUT TASTES DELICIOUS"

Jake shrank down to his original size, and exited Finn. Finn's body has been wrecked beyond recognition by Jake's large phallus, and he now resembled a large pancake made out of flesh, with a boston creme filling.


"We did it, Jake... We really did it." whispered Finn. He had not much time left in the world. Jake recognized this, and moved in closer.


"Yeah, buddy. We did." Choked Jake, fighting back tears as the realization that Finn was going to die swept over him.

MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT HAVE MADE YOUR DICK 300 FT. LONG

Finn raised his hand, and made a fist. Jake did the same, and bumped it against Finn's. And with that, Finn passed on.


Jake carried Finn's body to the backyard and gave him a proper burial. He then dropped to his knees and began weeping.


"Aww, buddy. I'll never forget you. Never ever. I'll always remember the times we spent together, and the moments we shared. And I will cherish them always."


Jake looked up to the night sky, and it was there Jake saw a shooting star. Jake smiled. He knew that now, Finn was in a better place. Somewhere where he could be recognized as a hero for the rest of eternity. He stood up, and turned around to go to his home.

AWW NOW THIS IS SWEET

Suddenly, the sound of rushing air filled the night. Jake whipped around, and saw the shooting star rushing towards him! He leaped out of the way, the falling object almost crushing him as it struck the ground with earth-shaking force. Jake looked up at the newly formed crater in amazement, and rushed down to the bottom to examine the celestial object.


"Woah, what the heck, man?" exclaimed Jake. Inside the meteor stood an tall figure, clad in ebony armor. It wore an insectoid helmet, with large, crimson eyes and a large "RX" on its chest. Around it's waist was a belt with two ruby-colored gems embedded in to the center.


"I am the child of the sun!" Exclaimed the figure, making a pointing motion a Jake.


"Kamen Rider... BLACK!" The figure made a sweeping motion with his arms. "R... X!"

DA FUQ?

Jake stood in awe of the figure, which, in turn, stared back at him.


"Who... What are you? Why are you here? You crushed my buddy Finn, you jerk!" Yelled Jake, his anger mounting.


"If you are not a friend of Justice, then you are an enemy of Humanity." Stated Black RX.


"What?"


"Through your perversion, you have taken the life of an innocent child. And for that, you must pay. You are an enemy of justice, and you are therefore my enemy! I am the child of the sun, protector of all humanity! You are an enemy of humanity, and you must be destroyed!"


"Wait! I-" but Jake's words were cut short. Black RX has delivered a jaw-shattering punch to Jake's skull, sending him staggering backwards.


"RIDER PUNCH"


"Wait... no!" Jake begged. "I didn't-"


"RIDER KICK!" Exclaimed Black RX, as he jumped in to the air. RX vaulted forward in midair and struck Jake with both feet. RX flipped off of Jake's face, and turned to face him. Jake felt himself being ripped apart, atom by atom. A fiery explosion filled the night sky as Jake was ripped apart by Black RX's Rider Kick Black RX stood up, and looked to the stars.


"Today, justice has been served. Finn the Human can now rest peacefully. However, there is still work to be done, for as long as there is evil in the world, there will always be the need for a warrior of justice. That is Kamen Rider's purpose. That is my purpose."


With that, the child of the sun and protector of humanity Kamen Rider Black RX turned, and left.


FIN.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? THAT EARNS THE RIGHT TO BE: A STUPID CROSSOVER FIC. I'M THE FANFICTION CONNOISEUR. WORTHY OF CANON OR SHOULD STAY FANON... YOU DECIDE.